gosh

It is over a year since I wrote in here, which isn't to say I've not been continuing my efforts -- just not recorded them.


Just now I am feeling very scared and shakey. CT scan results due tomorrow and my tried and tested coping strategies seem to have left the building.

If it is bad news I will have to pull them back in and put them to use. Meanwhile I have been trying to stay calm.

Breathing.

A great thing!

Satsang

I have started to go back to my satsang on Tuesdays.

Satsang: (Sanskrit: sat = true, sanga = company) sitting in the company of truth. A traditional activity in the Indian spiritual context, meaning "being with good/righteous companions." Satsang is a sitting together with an enlightened person who usually gives a short speech and then answers questions.

Any strength that I've shown through the last two years is directly linked to joining a satsang, at Anandi Anant, which B and I first started to do about 7 years ago. It felt amazing to be back there with some of the same people who have been gathering at Anadi's each week for this privilege for many years.

I hope to post some of the ideas from there in here over the coming weeks.

I love that fact that, with any sort of spiritual lesson or experience. wherever you are in your own life you can take some lesson which seems to suit you, or fit your current situation. All the other people in a satsang might take away some slightly different experience, based on their previous knowledge and their current life. We all can feel touched or inspired by our teacher and her words, but it will be slightly different for all of us.

For me, this week, Anadi's talk seemed to be mostly about going to work. It was about lots of other things too, but this was the element which most connected to me, for where I am now.

Anadi had a quotation on the board from Swami Vivekananda (to be fair she said it wasn't an exact quotation, but the gist of one which I think I only roughly copied) is was along these lines:

• "Our immediate work, the work at hand, if we complete it well: it increases and slowly raises our own capacity. We can be fortunate enough to get opportunities to do the most prestigious work for society and life itself."

Anadi developed this idea to say we can all increase our capacity to work, and to make good contribution to our society by doing what we do to the best of our ability. Rather like athletes who train hard to achieve more, we can do that with our own work. I also warmed to the idea that working to the best of my ability is pretigious work. This is true whatever sort of work you do.

Anadi also talked about how to deal with criticism at work, which is a big theme for teachers who often resent lesson observations and results reviews at this time of the year. She advised: "When you are criticised try to think how you can improve, how you can GAIN from the criticism." She went on to say, "Be careful not to claim that you have 'done your best' when you know you haven't really." I really recognised myself when she said "Criticism often rankles most when you feel it is justified." I know that I do this about comments in lesson observations, and I am going to try to give this up! I think it will be very positive to be more relaxed about reviews and critques and to use them creatively, as they are meant to be used, not as a reason to retreat into self-justification and excuses.

I was talking this over with Brigid later, and we usually do after a satsang and she added an anecdote that her Headteacher had used in a staff meeting at the start of term. He has been impressed with the success of both his own school and the British cycling team at the Olympics and had done some reading around about the team. Apparently the GB cycling team was offered a certain amount of cash to support 40-odd riders and they went back to the funding body and said: Thanks, we'll take the dosh, but use if for 20-odd riders cos we only want to work with people who have real medal potential, not with ppl who are going to come 4th to 8th."

Well that sounds very harsh, but it seems that they were basing this in research about the mental outlook of ppl who place 4th to 8th in a range of sports. When asked why they didn't achieve in the top three these people are far more likely to blame external factors and other issues rather than accept responsibility for their own performance.

This obviously paid off for the GB cycling team in the Olympics. They also used a psychologist as a big part of their training regime. It obviously meant that the cyclists were constantly in the presence of other riders who take repsonsibility for achieveing their own best, and don't hide behind other factors if they don't reach it and work on their mental strength as well as their physical strength.

Anyrate, I've gone far from the original satsang, but this is what I have learnt this week.

• I hope it helps

Unexpected gift

You wouldn't expect, would you, to be trying on t-shirts in New Look and suddenly feel all over lucky and blessed? but that is what happened to me today ..

I was in an ordinary shop, doing an extraordinary thing: buying tops for a holiday this summer that I never thought I'd have > I never really thought I'd have this summer, let alone this holiday, and today I was rather over-come with it ...

It was the sheer ordinariness of it which touched me, really. Trying on things in a shop with out the stoma bag irritating me and making its presence felt .. or without the tight corset I needed to wear to be comfortable, just shimmying clothes on and off like I always used to. Ordinary.

Extraordinary privilege.

Harris

Lewis

Western Isles

how do you stay strong and positive?

Everywhere I turn at the moment I seem to be hearing about more ppl with cancer. I've been told about TWO freinds of friends just in this week with pancreatic cancer, then I've been in touch with an ex-student whose partner has had ovarian cancer treatment and now another (young) pal whose (equally young) partner has just been diagnosed with a cancer.

This pal **waves @ saffy** wrote to ask me for tips on keeping strong -- I advised her a bit and concluded with an invitation to come here to read these poems etc .. and then I realised it's 6 months since I up-dated this section. No doubt something to do with being in remission since the end of October! haha

Actually I noticed that over the past couple of weeks I was definitely starting to get very stressy, irritable, short of breath and with raised blood pressure: sure signs of my body showing my mind's unease. The old controls and trusted techniques seemed not to be working and I was, quite frankly, getting frightened about my next scan at the end of this month. It felt as though being in the illness was easier than this waiting time before a scan and being afraid of the possibility of being in treatment again.

Planning a trip to our favourite Welsh luxury hotel for immediately after the scan results, and now talking to saffy, have both helped me to "turn my head around". I think I'm feeling more "normal" and less stressy again now.

I have re-affirmed to myself that it wasn't THAT bad being in treatment, that there were lots of things I enjoyed in my life in all that time since my diagnosis (Sept 2006) and think that if it is bad news on 25th April we can and will cope with it again.

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I thought I would copy here some of the things I wrote to saffy, in case other ppl are reading this who might benefit from my thoughts on what "staying strong and positive" in this situation actually meant to me:

the first is what my oncologist always says:
"live your life" and he means try to engage in the normal things you normally do as much as you can, albeit modified by treatment programmes and the rigours of the treatments (which can be hard .. of course)

try to be normal, basically and don't think forward too much I also keep saying to myself, "I'm not dead yet" .. and (if )actually becauase I DO have a short life expectancy then I force myself to think: what the hell is the point of making these precious days together miserable by dwelling on the hard stuff, and fears for the future ?

The future will come, and if it's shit, deal with the shit as it happens, not wasting valuable time fretting about it in advance - especially if it never happens, what a waste of emotional energy! Mostly this works for me.

I use distraction techniques too: lots of interaction with internet pals, phone calls with family and friends, reading, TV,tapestry ... making nice food, looking at the wonders of the natural world, little things that are normal and easy ... these work for me.

B has had a counsellor, soem of the time and I used the free services of a local Macmillan nurse over the phone just to talk about what was happening, in a sort of professional and calm way. In general I try very hard not to do ANY talking, ever, to anyone, about "how bad it is" .. cos it just upsets me for no point at all. I DO, on the other hand talk quite a lot about the facts of it, in a, erm, factual way!

As my carer I encouraged B to go out with a couple of our mates on her own so that she could do what crying and negative stuff she needed to do with other ppl, not me. I think you (saffy) would benefit from some private space in which you can vent your fears, then recover and go back to smiling ..

Sometimes we have just cried and cried together in fear and mostly in dread of the seperation that death brings. Then we just have to let it happen -- we can't control it all the time, but we try to keep it in a box, and I think we've done it about 6 or 7 times in the time (about 20 months so far) then we dry it up and try to forget about it again.

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So there we are .. I'd also add "counting my blessings" though it sounds a bit "twee" for my style .. but is IS true, cos I think I am very lucky in the quality of my friends and family and also we've got no money worries .. It's easier to be strong a positive when you're bouyed up by as much love and security as I, and B, find in our lives .. so yes, we are lucky and I DO count my blessings.

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If there are other ppl reading this, out there, touched by cancer, then please feel free to add your comments and other advice on what it means to you to stay strong and positive.

Cheers
me dears
xxxxx

• It's not having everything go right,
• it's facing whatever goes wrong -
• It's not being without fear,
• it's having the determination to go on it spite of it.
• It's not about where you stand
• but the direction you're going in.
• It's more than never having bad moments,
• it's knowing that you are always bigger than the moment.
• It's believing you have already been given everything you need to handle life
• It's not being able to rid the world of all its injustices;
• it's being able to rise above them.
• It's the belief in your heart that there will always be more good than bad
• Remember to live just this one day
• and not add tomorrow's troubles to today's load.
• Remember that every day ends
• and brings a new tomorrow
• Love what you do, do the best you can
• and always remember how much you are loved

Someone posted this on the Macmillan Website .... I quite like it!

"Death doesn't arrive with the prognosis."

Death doesn't arrive with the prognosis

This is the motto of one of Britain's most famous cancer-fund-raisers, Jane Tomlinson, who died this week, seven years after she was given six months to live.

She is an inspiration to anyone living with this illness. We can't all aspire to run marathons and climb mountains, but we can aspire to be like her, not stopping until we have to.

Her story and obituary are covered in these two articles from the Guardian this week.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/obituaries/story/0,,2162665,00.html

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk_news/story/0,,2162559,00.html

She has already raised £1.75 million pounds for cancer charities. If you would like to honour her and continue raising money for her work, you can donate on-line: http://www.justgiving.com/janetomlinson

Poem for B

I wrote this.

Well, sort of.

This is a villanelle ~ which is a poem with a very tight structure and pattern of repeated lines ...
and the repeated lines and the last two here are ripped off from another poem

but I SOOOO wanted to use the last two lines in a poem for my lovely wife that I took them


and wrote the rest myself!


Lie down beside me if it’s good for you.
I’ll give you such a good time, honey,
but I won’t stay if you don’t want me to

Passion grows simply, crystal clear and new.
A pair of joyful lovers, face to face,
Lie down beside me if it’s good for you.

You give yourself freely, I know that’s true
We choose to love and be here every day.
I won’t stay if you don’t want me to.

A bright and careless rapture drapes us two,
Lucky in love and loving our own ways.
Lie down beside me if it’s good for you.

“It’s Cancer!” takes the old and spawns a new.
Our life becomes a strange; a tortured maze.
I won’t stay if you don’t want me to

It grabs my guts and forces out vile spew.
It takes me down to shadows low and base.
Lie down beside me if it’s good for you.

It It It It It It It and me and you,
Yoked in an uneven three-legged race.
I won’t stay if you don’t want me to

Long vigils at my bedside shape your view.
There is no competition for your place,
Lie down beside me if it’s good for you.

As life shifts in an endless ebb and flo,
One thing’s secure in surging time and space:
That I will stay and I am going to
Lie down beside you and be good for you.

Look to This Day

A friend who has been through her own share of medical trauma sent me this sanskrit proverb today ... it's just right!

• Look to this day;
  For it is life,
  The very life of life.
  In its brief course lies all
  The realities and verities of existence,
  The bliss of growth,
  The splendor of action,
  The glory of power -
  For yesterday is but a dream
  And tomorrow is only a vision.
  But today, well lived,
  Makes every yesterday a dream of happiness
  And every tomorrow a vision of hope.
  Look well, therefore, to this day.

Beannacht

Beannacht

("Blessing")

On the day when

the weight deadens

on your shoulders

and you stumble,

may the clay dance

to balance you.

And when your eyes

freeze behind

the grey window

and the ghost of loss

gets in to you,

may a flock of colours,

indigo, red, green,

and azure blue

come to awaken in you

a meadow of delight.

When the canvas frays

in the currach of thought

and a stain of ocean

blackens beneath you,

may there come across the waters

a path of yellow moonlight

to bring you safely home.

May the nourishment of the earth be yours,

may the clarity of light be yours,

may the fluency of the ocean be yours,

may the protection of the ancestors be yours.

And so may a slow

wind work these words

of love around you,

an invisible cloak

to mind your life.

~ John O'Donohue ~

One of my friends posted this on a website we both use ...I think it's marvellous ... the steady rhythm of trouble and hope all sent in terms of nature and kindness, as one friend would send to another.

Really a wonderful poem.

Elizabeth Jennings Poems

Friendship

• Such love I cannot analyse;
• It does not rest in lips or eyes,
• Neither in kisses nor caress.
• Partly I know it's gentleness
• And understanding in one word
• Or in brief letters. It's preserved
• By trust and by respect and awe.
• These are the words I'm searching for.
• Two people, yes, two lasting friends.
• The giving comes, the taking ends.
• There is no measure for such things.
• For this all Nature slows and sings.

I love the sense of awe in this, the idea that everything in nature is impressed by the simple qualities of a strong friendship. I also like the characteristic EJ way of appearing to grasp for exactly what her ideas are and their best expression (these are the words I'm searching for). Part of her charm to me is that she is always so precise and clear in her poetry, but here she gives me a glimpse of the drafting process that she laboured over in her work.

I guess it's obvious that I post this poem to honour all the lovely friendships that enhance my life. There is no measure for such things.

This next one is less straightforward. In studying this with students it has often proved tricky to tease out the levels of observation on relationships that she compresses into this wonderful piece.

Beyond Possession

• 
  Our images withdraw, the rose returns
  To what it was before we looked at it.
  We lift our looks from where the water runs
  And its pure river once again, we write
  No emblems in the trees. A way begins
  Of living where we have no need to beat
  The petals down to get the scent of rose
  Or sign our features where the water goes.
  
  All is itself. Each man himself entire,
  Not even plucking out his thought, not even
  Bringing a tutored wilfulness to bear
  Upon the rose, the water. Each has given
  Essense of water back to itself, essence of flower,
  Till he is yoked to his own heart and driven
  Inward to find a private kind of peace
  And not a mind reflecting his own face.
  
  Yet must go deeper still, must move to love
  Where thought is free to let the water ride,
  Is liberal to therose giving it life
  And setting even its own shadow aside;
  Till flower and water blend with freedom of
  Passion that does not close them in and hide
  Their deepest natures; but the heart is strong
  To beat with rose and river in one song.
  
  

I find this poem an inspiration for how to be in love with someone, someone as beautiful (and yet ephemeral) as a flowing river or a rose. As the title suggest we should aim not to be possessive, not to impose our selves on our lover, to have enough self-confidence to be what WE are without seeking validation and reflection from another.

Living like this we don't need to try to dominte the beauty: "no need to beat the petals down to get the scent of rose .." Here, Jennings suggests that such efforts to control, even in a bid to get the best (essence) out of something, is ultimately destructive with the verbs "plucking" and "beat". Even the less aggressive "sign our features" is dismissed. We should make no effort to impose ourselves on the nature of others.

Then we can be ourselves. We can find our own internal peace and then move beyond that to the satisfaction of sharing freedoms that culminate in a marvellous vision of passion. Both parties are able to show their deepest natures and beat together "in one song".

*sigh*

Quotes

Oooh - It's ages since I up-dated this ..

I'm adding a little quotation sent to me from Milly in the IA forum .. she's not sure of its source .. but that's no matter :

• "Those that seem bright with smiles on their faces and feet that are light are not always those that have walked in the sun, but those who have faced darkness, fought and won"

Inkblot test

With a few unexpected extra hours before I have to go to the hospital I thought I'd do a few on-line tests .. I quite like the Tickle site (even though it has more adverts these days than it used to .. .. )

I did the Inkblot test which is based on the original Rorschach test

I wont be buying the detailed report, but I rather like the summary:

• You have a deeply-rooted desire to make peace in the world. Whether through subtle interactions with loved ones, or through getting involved in social causes, it is important to you to be able to influence the world in a positive way. You have a deep respect for humankind. You care about the future of the world, even beyond your own involvement in it, and you inspire others to feel the same way. Your innate drive toward peace guides you in daily life towards decisions that are respectful toward yourself and others. Your psyche is very rich; the more you learn about it, the more you will understand who you really are...

hmm - cute, eh!

You can try it yourself here, and see if we all get the same thing! BUT be warned about the adverts! http://uk.tickle.com/

Wild Nights

My lovely brother just reminded me of this poem, by Emily Dickinson, which has this strong metaphor of being safely moored with the one you love ...
and being done with the sailing ..
so when my sailing through the chemo is done, we will be in Eden.

I sort of think this poem was part of the impetus for how B and I changed our names when we first got together and I still like it ...


Wild Nights – Wild Nights!
Were I with thee
Wild Nights should be
Our luxury!

Futile – the Winds –
To a heart in port –
Done with the Compass –
Done with the Chart!

Rowing in Eden –
Ah, the Sea!
Might I but moor – Tonight –
In thee!

Stoical

In recent comments (over on the main blog) there has been some talk of how I am taking the news of loose cancer cells in my abdomen, and wether this might give rise to "blind terror" or even the "screaming Dr Adabs" ... when I said that I have no choice but to be stoical.

Brigid and I were talking this over again and we both think that it is important to mark the point that without the endless love and support of our families and friends this level of calm would be impossible to sustain. "Being stoical" is a choice, but it is a choice made easy by the contributions of very many other people! We are just surrounded by love and care:

we have certain pals who call us up on the phone every day,

other pals who call regularly each week,

we have other "regulars "who prefer to keep in touch each day via these blogs,

we have emails from lots of other people, such as colleagues from work,

I have internet pals who keep me amused on my message-board of choice,

some totally NEW emailers who want to help after meeting me on-line.

lots of people say prayers or other spiritual things for us

we also have DVDs to watch (loaned by friends) and books to read (loaned or bought for us by friends)

we are surrounded by pretty things like cards, flowers and other kind gifts which encourage us to smile.

some people cook for us

some people drive me around

we've got excellent doctors and nurses who really CARE about us (B thinks Dr Adab and his chemicals are wonderful -- and she thinks she needs to speak up for scientists! actually my word in praise of scientists is "I appreciate the chemistry of the stoma care products!")

and last, but not least, hardly a day goes by without a cheerful visitor with tales of their own to distract us from our story and keep us entertained.

So, we are not on our own in this, and we are very grateful for the efforts of each and everyone of you who contributes their bit to this big picture. All of this allows us to carry on in a cheerful and life-enhancing way, regardless of the "pesky crumbs" *

*Jean's words for the bits of cancer that are still left after the loaf has gone!

Rabindranath Tagore

Here's a second thing from him (Aunty Barbara sent over the first one)

Liz Kirby sent this over, it is an extract from a letter that Rabindranath Tagore wrote to his young wife..

• 
  In everyone's life major crises occur, in which the utmost patience and self-control are required. We then realise how silly we are to complain of trivial, daily annoyances, petty aches and pains.
• I shall love, and I shall do my best, and I shall do my duty by others cheerfully - if we follow this principle, we can cope with anything.
• Life does not last long, and its pleasures and travails are also constantly changing. Wounds, setbacks, deceptions - it's hard to bear them lightly; but if we don't, the burden of life gradually becomes insufferable and it becomes impossible to fix one's mind on any goal or idea. If we fail, if we live in dissatisfaction and tension day after day, in constant conflict with our circumstances, then our lives become completely futile.
• Great calm, generous detachment, selfless love, disinterested effort: these are what make for success in life. If you can find peace in yourself and can spread comfort around, you will be happier than an empress.

He says a lot about how I try to live my life, and even now, facing a "major crisis" I aim to keep cheerful and shake off the dissatisfactions that life offers in order to enjoy what we do have, here together, while we have it.

I can't claim to be a particularly good yogi, really, but this sort of thing is my goal.

more from parmahansa yogananda

Here are a few more things that inspire me from his book, "Where there is light".

• Try to do little things in an extraordinary way
• Life has a bright side and a dark side, the world of relativity is composed of light and shadows. If you permit your thoughts to dwell on evil, you yourself will become ugly. Look only for the good in everything so that you absorb the quality of beauty.
• Persons of strong character are usually the happiest. They do not blame others for their troubles. They know that no-one has any power to add to their happiness, or detract from it, unless they themselves are so weak that they allow the adverse thoughts and wicked actions of others to upset them.

This last one is very powerful. If you can learn to take responsibility for your own reactions to what others do or say then you can reduce your stress and unhappiness at a stroke ... just by choosing to ignore the "other" and refusing to give them room in your head or to let then "upset" you. I can't say I've perfected this technique yet, but it is one I have found very helpful.

attitude part 2

Now you see, this picture always makes me laugh.
Here are three women in the same spot -- it's a hot sunny day in Italy, but it is a bit damp just here, in the spray of the waterfall.

You can obviously choose to focus on the dampness, or not, in B's case.

Bless her, like I said at the wedding, she always puts her face up to the elements!