death, dying, terminal

death, dying, terminal
For some reason these words have invaded my brian and consciousness, the daily vocaublary of the fears and future. I'm pretty matter of fact on them ... mostly, but today has been a thoughtful one.

Q: Things you'll miss, suze, are they not bothering you a bit?
Strangely not, and certainly not in the way a fellow traveller told me she was distraught at the thought of missing land-marks as her kids grow up. I don't have kids to miss, for a start. Tho I do feel sad that the nephews will miss their aunty and I will probably never know what great feats they will achieve, unless they get off to a very brisk start! I do allow myself to get sad for leaving them from time to time.

There must be something you'll miss most? Really, yeah I guess there is ... I can't imagine not being here to comfort B shen she is upset ... who can do that job for me? Who will be here when she is rattling round this familiar territory that we crafted between us? I fear that my very absence will be tangible to her .... and she will be sad, daily stumbling over sprinkled detritus of my daily pulse in our home and all that we've accumulated and shared here.

I hope the memories and layers here can make her happy in rememberance of how lucky we've been, and not cast her ever downwards ....

I fear I would be very cast downwards if it were me left behind ..... I'm sorry missis, so sorry to be leaving you .... I would never imagine leaving you any other way than this one, one I cannot choose to avoid .....