• It's not having everything go right,
• it's facing whatever goes wrong -
• It's not being without fear,
• it's having the determination to go on it spite of it.
• It's not about where you stand
• but the direction you're going in.
• It's more than never having bad moments,
• it's knowing that you are always bigger than the moment.
• It's believing you have already been given everything you need to handle life
• It's not being able to rid the world of all its injustices;
• it's being able to rise above them.
• It's the belief in your heart that there will always be more good than bad
• Remember to live just this one day
• and not add tomorrow's troubles to today's load.
• Remember that every day ends
• and brings a new tomorrow
• Love what you do, do the best you can
• and always remember how much you are loved

Someone posted this on the Macmillan Website .... I quite like it!

"Death doesn't arrive with the prognosis."

Death doesn't arrive with the prognosis

This is the motto of one of Britain's most famous cancer-fund-raisers, Jane Tomlinson, who died this week, seven years after she was given six months to live.

She is an inspiration to anyone living with this illness. We can't all aspire to run marathons and climb mountains, but we can aspire to be like her, not stopping until we have to.

Her story and obituary are covered in these two articles from the Guardian this week.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/obituaries/story/0,,2162665,00.html

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk_news/story/0,,2162559,00.html

She has already raised £1.75 million pounds for cancer charities. If you would like to honour her and continue raising money for her work, you can donate on-line: http://www.justgiving.com/janetomlinson

Poem for B

I wrote this.

Well, sort of.

This is a villanelle ~ which is a poem with a very tight structure and pattern of repeated lines ...
and the repeated lines and the last two here are ripped off from another poem

but I SOOOO wanted to use the last two lines in a poem for my lovely wife that I took them


and wrote the rest myself!


Lie down beside me if it’s good for you.
I’ll give you such a good time, honey,
but I won’t stay if you don’t want me to

Passion grows simply, crystal clear and new.
A pair of joyful lovers, face to face,
Lie down beside me if it’s good for you.

You give yourself freely, I know that’s true
We choose to love and be here every day.
I won’t stay if you don’t want me to.

A bright and careless rapture drapes us two,
Lucky in love and loving our own ways.
Lie down beside me if it’s good for you.

“It’s Cancer!” takes the old and spawns a new.
Our life becomes a strange; a tortured maze.
I won’t stay if you don’t want me to

It grabs my guts and forces out vile spew.
It takes me down to shadows low and base.
Lie down beside me if it’s good for you.

It It It It It It It and me and you,
Yoked in an uneven three-legged race.
I won’t stay if you don’t want me to

Long vigils at my bedside shape your view.
There is no competition for your place,
Lie down beside me if it’s good for you.

As life shifts in an endless ebb and flo,
One thing’s secure in surging time and space:
That I will stay and I am going to
Lie down beside you and be good for you.

Look to This Day

A friend who has been through her own share of medical trauma sent me this sanskrit proverb today ... it's just right!

• Look to this day;
  For it is life,
  The very life of life.
  In its brief course lies all
  The realities and verities of existence,
  The bliss of growth,
  The splendor of action,
  The glory of power -
  For yesterday is but a dream
  And tomorrow is only a vision.
  But today, well lived,
  Makes every yesterday a dream of happiness
  And every tomorrow a vision of hope.
  Look well, therefore, to this day.

Beannacht

Beannacht

("Blessing")

On the day when

the weight deadens

on your shoulders

and you stumble,

may the clay dance

to balance you.

And when your eyes

freeze behind

the grey window

and the ghost of loss

gets in to you,

may a flock of colours,

indigo, red, green,

and azure blue

come to awaken in you

a meadow of delight.

When the canvas frays

in the currach of thought

and a stain of ocean

blackens beneath you,

may there come across the waters

a path of yellow moonlight

to bring you safely home.

May the nourishment of the earth be yours,

may the clarity of light be yours,

may the fluency of the ocean be yours,

may the protection of the ancestors be yours.

And so may a slow

wind work these words

of love around you,

an invisible cloak

to mind your life.

~ John O'Donohue ~

One of my friends posted this on a website we both use ...I think it's marvellous ... the steady rhythm of trouble and hope all sent in terms of nature and kindness, as one friend would send to another.

Really a wonderful poem.

Elizabeth Jennings Poems

Friendship

• Such love I cannot analyse;
• It does not rest in lips or eyes,
• Neither in kisses nor caress.
• Partly I know it's gentleness
• And understanding in one word
• Or in brief letters. It's preserved
• By trust and by respect and awe.
• These are the words I'm searching for.
• Two people, yes, two lasting friends.
• The giving comes, the taking ends.
• There is no measure for such things.
• For this all Nature slows and sings.

I love the sense of awe in this, the idea that everything in nature is impressed by the simple qualities of a strong friendship. I also like the characteristic EJ way of appearing to grasp for exactly what her ideas are and their best expression (these are the words I'm searching for). Part of her charm to me is that she is always so precise and clear in her poetry, but here she gives me a glimpse of the drafting process that she laboured over in her work.

I guess it's obvious that I post this poem to honour all the lovely friendships that enhance my life. There is no measure for such things.

This next one is less straightforward. In studying this with students it has often proved tricky to tease out the levels of observation on relationships that she compresses into this wonderful piece.

Beyond Possession

• 
  Our images withdraw, the rose returns
  To what it was before we looked at it.
  We lift our looks from where the water runs
  And its pure river once again, we write
  No emblems in the trees. A way begins
  Of living where we have no need to beat
  The petals down to get the scent of rose
  Or sign our features where the water goes.
  
  All is itself. Each man himself entire,
  Not even plucking out his thought, not even
  Bringing a tutored wilfulness to bear
  Upon the rose, the water. Each has given
  Essense of water back to itself, essence of flower,
  Till he is yoked to his own heart and driven
  Inward to find a private kind of peace
  And not a mind reflecting his own face.
  
  Yet must go deeper still, must move to love
  Where thought is free to let the water ride,
  Is liberal to therose giving it life
  And setting even its own shadow aside;
  Till flower and water blend with freedom of
  Passion that does not close them in and hide
  Their deepest natures; but the heart is strong
  To beat with rose and river in one song.
  
  

I find this poem an inspiration for how to be in love with someone, someone as beautiful (and yet ephemeral) as a flowing river or a rose. As the title suggest we should aim not to be possessive, not to impose our selves on our lover, to have enough self-confidence to be what WE are without seeking validation and reflection from another.

Living like this we don't need to try to dominte the beauty: "no need to beat the petals down to get the scent of rose .." Here, Jennings suggests that such efforts to control, even in a bid to get the best (essence) out of something, is ultimately destructive with the verbs "plucking" and "beat". Even the less aggressive "sign our features" is dismissed. We should make no effort to impose ourselves on the nature of others.

Then we can be ourselves. We can find our own internal peace and then move beyond that to the satisfaction of sharing freedoms that culminate in a marvellous vision of passion. Both parties are able to show their deepest natures and beat together "in one song".

*sigh*

Quotes

Oooh - It's ages since I up-dated this ..

I'm adding a little quotation sent to me from Milly in the IA forum .. she's not sure of its source .. but that's no matter :

• "Those that seem bright with smiles on their faces and feet that are light are not always those that have walked in the sun, but those who have faced darkness, fought and won"

Inkblot test

With a few unexpected extra hours before I have to go to the hospital I thought I'd do a few on-line tests .. I quite like the Tickle site (even though it has more adverts these days than it used to .. .. )

I did the Inkblot test which is based on the original Rorschach test

I wont be buying the detailed report, but I rather like the summary:

• You have a deeply-rooted desire to make peace in the world. Whether through subtle interactions with loved ones, or through getting involved in social causes, it is important to you to be able to influence the world in a positive way. You have a deep respect for humankind. You care about the future of the world, even beyond your own involvement in it, and you inspire others to feel the same way. Your innate drive toward peace guides you in daily life towards decisions that are respectful toward yourself and others. Your psyche is very rich; the more you learn about it, the more you will understand who you really are...

hmm - cute, eh!

You can try it yourself here, and see if we all get the same thing! BUT be warned about the adverts! http://uk.tickle.com/

Wild Nights

My lovely brother just reminded me of this poem, by Emily Dickinson, which has this strong metaphor of being safely moored with the one you love ...
and being done with the sailing ..
so when my sailing through the chemo is done, we will be in Eden.

I sort of think this poem was part of the impetus for how B and I changed our names when we first got together and I still like it ...


Wild Nights – Wild Nights!
Were I with thee
Wild Nights should be
Our luxury!

Futile – the Winds –
To a heart in port –
Done with the Compass –
Done with the Chart!

Rowing in Eden –
Ah, the Sea!
Might I but moor – Tonight –
In thee!

Stoical

In recent comments (over on the main blog) there has been some talk of how I am taking the news of loose cancer cells in my abdomen, and wether this might give rise to "blind terror" or even the "screaming Dr Adabs" ... when I said that I have no choice but to be stoical.

Brigid and I were talking this over again and we both think that it is important to mark the point that without the endless love and support of our families and friends this level of calm would be impossible to sustain. "Being stoical" is a choice, but it is a choice made easy by the contributions of very many other people! We are just surrounded by love and care:

we have certain pals who call us up on the phone every day,

other pals who call regularly each week,

we have other "regulars "who prefer to keep in touch each day via these blogs,

we have emails from lots of other people, such as colleagues from work,

I have internet pals who keep me amused on my message-board of choice,

some totally NEW emailers who want to help after meeting me on-line.

lots of people say prayers or other spiritual things for us

we also have DVDs to watch (loaned by friends) and books to read (loaned or bought for us by friends)

we are surrounded by pretty things like cards, flowers and other kind gifts which encourage us to smile.

some people cook for us

some people drive me around

we've got excellent doctors and nurses who really CARE about us (B thinks Dr Adab and his chemicals are wonderful -- and she thinks she needs to speak up for scientists! actually my word in praise of scientists is "I appreciate the chemistry of the stoma care products!")

and last, but not least, hardly a day goes by without a cheerful visitor with tales of their own to distract us from our story and keep us entertained.

So, we are not on our own in this, and we are very grateful for the efforts of each and everyone of you who contributes their bit to this big picture. All of this allows us to carry on in a cheerful and life-enhancing way, regardless of the "pesky crumbs" *

*Jean's words for the bits of cancer that are still left after the loaf has gone!

Rabindranath Tagore

Here's a second thing from him (Aunty Barbara sent over the first one)

Liz Kirby sent this over, it is an extract from a letter that Rabindranath Tagore wrote to his young wife..

• 
  In everyone's life major crises occur, in which the utmost patience and self-control are required. We then realise how silly we are to complain of trivial, daily annoyances, petty aches and pains.
• I shall love, and I shall do my best, and I shall do my duty by others cheerfully - if we follow this principle, we can cope with anything.
• Life does not last long, and its pleasures and travails are also constantly changing. Wounds, setbacks, deceptions - it's hard to bear them lightly; but if we don't, the burden of life gradually becomes insufferable and it becomes impossible to fix one's mind on any goal or idea. If we fail, if we live in dissatisfaction and tension day after day, in constant conflict with our circumstances, then our lives become completely futile.
• Great calm, generous detachment, selfless love, disinterested effort: these are what make for success in life. If you can find peace in yourself and can spread comfort around, you will be happier than an empress.

He says a lot about how I try to live my life, and even now, facing a "major crisis" I aim to keep cheerful and shake off the dissatisfactions that life offers in order to enjoy what we do have, here together, while we have it.

I can't claim to be a particularly good yogi, really, but this sort of thing is my goal.