an average rock bun

Here are a few more quotations from Alan Bennett’s account of his own experience with bowel cancer.

I only found this chapter completely by chance, I didn’t realise that he had had cancer, even though he is one of my favourite writers. The day after I got my diagnosis I went to town to spend some book tokens, thinking I’ve need a lot to read over the next few weeks (or months as it turns out.) There was this book, and I went to The Lounge for a wholesome beetroot juice drink and found myself alternating between laughing and crying over this marvellous chapter.

The book is called “Untold Stories” (faber and faber 2005). The chapter is called “An Average Rock Bun” because that was the size of his cancer. It was this metaphor that prompted me to as Dr Adeb what size my tumour is. Those of you with an eye for detail might have already noticed that he confirmed the size of mine is more by way of loaf than a bun, though we didn’t establish whether he meant dainty baguette or full-on-sandwich size.

Even though I was only one day into my diagnosis I immediately “agreed” with Bennett as I read the chapter. His thoughts and comments felt as though they were my own, so here are a few of the ones which particularly “chimed in” for me.

page 599 – an exchange with his doctor immediately after his diagnosis.

• 
  “I imagine you’re the sort of person who can cope,” he says. I imagine that, too, though it remains to be seen.

My doctor said she thought I was “sensible” minutes after she told me she’d seen a tumour in my insides. Maybe she’s right.

page 601

• .. in some ways the diagnosis of a life-threatening disease is easier for the patient to bear than his or her loved ones, who have to stand by and watch it happen. The positive thinking which the conventional wisdom requires of a cancer patient was easier for me (who had at least something to do, even if it was only to undergo surgery). Had I been cast as help or support I would have found it hard to disguise my anxiety. Rupert, on the other hand, seemed never other than cheerful and gave no hint of what he must have been going through, an impeccable performance in a role that is largely unsung, but which must be played out every day in thousands of households, suddenly stricken with mortal illness.

page 602

• I am still surprised, though, at my own good spirits, not that I deserve much credit on that score. People talk about courage as it there were a choice, whereas one shows courage very often because there doesn’t seem to be much alternative.

page 618

• When the expected apotheosis didn’t happen, I kept reminding myself that time was short, and I should behave accordingly, even enjoy myself, though how I wasn’t sure. I had no wish to travel or to see exotic parts of the world; the round-the-world odysseys that AIDS sufferers tended to take were not for me … I’d no desire to do that or anything much outside my usual routine.

I totally agree with this, I am happy in my life, and enjoy myself every day in my steady routines. I’ve often said “I can see exotic places on TV”, I don’t need to go there. I don’t need to be look for new stimulation and excitement in my life because what I have is already a very full basket of luxury and privilege. Above all, the lovely people in my life, the range of comforts I have and my faith in God are proof of my enormous blessings.