more from parmahansa yogananda

Here are a few more things that inspire me from his book, "Where there is light".

• Try to do little things in an extraordinary way
• Life has a bright side and a dark side, the world of relativity is composed of light and shadows. If you permit your thoughts to dwell on evil, you yourself will become ugly. Look only for the good in everything so that you absorb the quality of beauty.
• Persons of strong character are usually the happiest. They do not blame others for their troubles. They know that no-one has any power to add to their happiness, or detract from it, unless they themselves are so weak that they allow the adverse thoughts and wicked actions of others to upset them.

This last one is very powerful. If you can learn to take responsibility for your own reactions to what others do or say then you can reduce your stress and unhappiness at a stroke ... just by choosing to ignore the "other" and refusing to give them room in your head or to let then "upset" you. I can't say I've perfected this technique yet, but it is one I have found very helpful.

attitude part 2

Now you see, this picture always makes me laugh.
Here are three women in the same spot -- it's a hot sunny day in Italy, but it is a bit damp just here, in the spray of the waterfall.

You can obviously choose to focus on the dampness, or not, in B's case.

Bless her, like I said at the wedding, she always puts her face up to the elements!

Where There is Light

I'm going to post some quotations from Paramahansa Yogananda's book "Where There Is Light" which is a collection of short texts mostly derived from his longer books.

The first one is from the section called Rising Above Suffering.

• You heighten suffering by imagination. Worrying or feeling sorry for yourself won't heal your pain, but rather increase it. For instance, someone wrongs you, you dwell on it, and your friends talk about it and sympathise with you. The more you think about it the more you magnify your hurt and your suffering.

I agree with this. It is one reason why I don't like to tell ppl when things have been bad, cos it sort of repeats the whole thing - allows it more head-space and gives it more power.

Yesterday I felt myself slipping into self-pity, I kept thinking about where I was sore. Trying to take my mind off it and do something else really did reduce the pain and re-reading this book has helped me to build my mental strength.

I also started worrying about what the radiation is doing to my insides and what the long-term effects of it might be. I think this quotation helps me to stop doing that. Imagination is a pointless thing in this situation. This is one reason why I don't read many of the pages about cancer and stuff, cos it puts ideas into my head about how bad things might be, which I am better off not thinking about.

This also applies to fear of death .. I hope my friends and relatives can restrict their imaginations. Don't waste time imagining grieving for me, when, let's face it, I'm still here!! Save it for the funeral.

I loved it when Julie sent me a postcard of Pink's album, cos the title is "I'm not dead" -- which I'm not ...

There is no sense in worrying about my demise any more than there is in worrying about anyone's. We're all mortal, we'll all die. Are we going to use our imaginations to worry about that or just get on with the day to day of what we have?

Enjoy every minute for itself.

The sun is shining.

Aunty Barbara's

Thought for the day -

• "A butterfly counts not months but moments and has time enough. "
• Rabindranath Tagore

teaching

OK - I know this is going a bit off the point, but teaching is so central to me I just need to share this ... even tho I admit I can be a bit sentimental about teaching, I'll make no more apology for it.

Thanks to Anne Calico for sending me this lovely thing ...

• 
  On my wall - by Julian of Norwich (who was a nun in the Middle Ages, or around then).
• This is what you do when you teach.
  
  
  Be a gardener.
  
  Dig a ditch,
  
  toil and sweat,
  
  and turn the earth upside down
  
  and seek the deepness
  
  and water the plants in time.
  
  Continue this labour
  
  and make sweet floods to run
  
  and noble and abundant fruits
  
  to spring.
  
  Take this food and drink
  
  and carry it to God
  
  as your true worship.

Remembrance Sunday

No Ordinary Sunday

No ordinary Sunday. First the light
Falling dead through dormitory windows blind
With fog; and then, at breakfast, every plate
Stained with the small, red cotton flower; and no
Sixpence for pocket-money. Greatcoats, lined
By the right, marched from their pegs, with slow
Poppy fires smouldering in one lapel
To light us through the fallen cloud. Behind
That handkerchief sobbed the quick Sunday bell.

A granite cross, the school field underfoot,
Inaudible prayers, hymn-sheets that stirred
Too loudly in the hand. When hymns ran out,
Silence, like silt, lay round so wide and deep
It seemed that winter held its breath. We heard
Only the river talking in its sleep:
Until the bugler flexed his lips, and sound
Cutting the fog cleanly like a bird,
Circled and sang out over the bandaged ground.

Then, low-voiced, the headmaster called the roll
Of those who could not answer; every name
Suffixed with honour—‘double first’, ‘kept goal
For Cambridge’—and a death—in spitfires, tanks,
And ships torpedoed. At his call there came
Through the mist blond heroes in broad ranks
With rainbows struggling on their chests. Ahead
Of us, in strict step, as we idled home
Marched the formations of the towering dead.

November again, and the bugles blown
In a tropical Holy Trinity,
The heroes today stand further off, grown
Smaller but distinct. They flash no medals, keep
No ranks: through Last Post and Reveille
Their chins loll on their chests, like birds asleep.
Only when the long, last note ascends
Upon the wings of kites, some two or three
Look up: and have the faces of my friends.

Jon Stallworthy

good or bad

I had a long phone call with Anadi today. It was very helpful, it seems to me that she called at a time when I really needed her, as I was quite shaky and stressed this week.

She says I must carry on being one of the people who can see the good even in bad situations and avoid being one of the people who manage to see bad even in good situations.

She also says I am like a lotus blossoming (not mud).

I have also been reminded of how great my friends are, the kindness and love that people are extending to me is a precious gift and I am grateful for how lovely, and consistently thoughtful, my friends are.

I also had a good talk with Lezli today. Partly we were thinking about reciprocity and how things you give out come back at you. I think many of us are engaged in that cycle of giving and sharing and then being able to accept kindness "back" in some form. I see a lot of kindness and generosity around me, and am happy to be a part of that society.

I also continue to believe in that power of the kind thoughts and prayers that people are sending to me (both intimate family, friends and relative strangers such as people B works with or e-mates from tinternet). These cumulative "well-wishes" are helping and healing me.

Thank-you to all who are taking part in that. I appreciate it very much - you are good!

attitude

My cousin Pauline sent me this, which I think is very true:

• ATTITUDE
• "The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people say or do.
• It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.
• We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The one thing we can do is play on our string we have, and that is OUR attitude.
• I am convinced that life is 10 per cent what happens to me and 90 per cent how I react to it. And so it is with you...we are in charge of our ATTITUDES!"
• written by Charles Swindoll.

hope

B and I got cards from an old friend, Paul, last week.

He had copied out a bit of an Emily Dickinson poem for me, which I thought was very sweet. He perhaps wouldn't know that Emily Dickinson was one of my favourite poets for ages, and I got my best ever essay comments as uni for an essay I wrote on her.

I think the whole poem is worth a thought:

• "Hope" is the thing with feathers
• That perches in the soul
• And sings the tune without the words
• And never stops at all,
  
• And sweetest in the gale is heard;
• And sore must be the storm
• That could abash the little bird
• That kept so many warm.
• 
  I've heard it in the chillest land
• And on the strangest sea,
• Yet never, in extremity,
• It asked a crumb of me.

Shrine

This is the shrine we made this weekend.
The fabric is a really lovely red and gold traditional pattern that we bought in Shelton.

The picture at the back is one that Anadi gave to me.

On the shelf is a very eclectic mix of special things that we love.

At the back is a lovely bronze sun with a sanskrit shlock about the sun written around it,and the Om sign in the middle.

Next to that is a picture from a set of cards I bought with chants to learn on one side a lovely Indian pictures on the front. This set also includes CDs and mini-cymbals so we can learn the chants.

In front of those two things are the rune stones that Liz carved for us. Also from Liz is the little glass with wax beads in that she made using petals from our wedding flowers.

I dont think you can see them in the photo, but next to the runes stones there are two little copper figures that I got in Italy last year . These represent the ancient Etruscan sites that we visited there, the amazing Necropolis / tombs which vividly represent their life and times which pre-date the Roman civilisation in Italy.

Next along is a beaded lamp which we think is safe enough to allow us to burn a tealight in the shrine (eek - we will not leave it unsupervised!)

Next to the lamp at the back are some momentoes of Callanish and the standing stones that we have found so enchanting and special whenever we have been in the Outer Hebrides.

In the back corner are the angels that my students have sent for me.

On the front you can see a sparkly elephant that I bought cos I've got a real thing about elephants at the moment ...

Last but not least, on the front are some cupped hands and crystals from Anadi's shop that Keith helped me to choose for my healing.

We've also fixed it that there are only lovely things on the shelves under the fabric .. like poetry, art books and our spiritual texts.

badgery funk

Scott, bless him -- has put this in his lates e-mail:

• On a serious note – now you’ve turned into a religious nutter and all that...

erm -- cheeky boy! I hope I'm NOT a nutter - but still -- here are a few things it means to me to be being alert to spiritual dimensions in my life .. most of these are taken from a book called Scientific Healing Affirmations by Paramahansa Yogananda.

Calling on God does not mean that I am passive, inert or credulous and I am not minimizing the power of my own mind. I can call on will power, faith, reason and common sense to rid myself of this disease. [page 5]

I concentrate more on the possibility of cure than the gripping power of the disease – this keeps the illness to its physical realm and denies it any mental power. [page 8]

Patience and attentive, intelligent repetition of affirmations are wonder-workers. I will make the belief in my good health / cure a part of my profound intuitional conviction. It will be better to die, if death has to come, with the conviction of perfect health than the thought that this cancer is incurable. [page 11]

Death is the inevitable outcome for all human bodies, but its appointed hour can be changed by good habits and the power of mind and soul.

Mannaz - The Self

If you've read the post below about runes - you'll know that Mannaz is the rune I drew when I asked the question "What is this about" after I got my cancer diagnosis ... it's not that I think the runes "tell" me things, but I do think that they offer me ways of looking at my life at any given point, and the Mannaz rune makes an interesting choice ...

Liz says "I think you read this experience of coping with cancer in this light - as a trial that is calling out very deep and profound spiritual qualities in you" and I think that she has found a good way of expressing it, it is a kind of test or trial, and how I deal with it will bring out my best qualities.

I also TOTALLY agree with another comment that she made in a recent email: "I don't like the idea of casually writing off suffering as somehow 'good for us' but I do think that in every life there are some dramatic moments when we are given a chance to grow bigger or smaller, and it all comes down to our own choices/willingness to grow.".

I think I can grow spiritually now because I'd started on it long before this cancer diagnosis, and the strength I've got from being on a spiritual journey will not only help me to deal with this illness, but help me to grow bigger too.

Mannaz

I am just choosing a few bits from my rune interpretations book that pertain to the Mannaz rune.

The starting point is the self. Its essence is water, only clarity, willingness to change, is effective now. A correct relationship to yourself is primary, for from it flow all possible right relationships with others and with the Divine.

Strive to live the ordinary life in a non-ordinary way. Remember at all times what is coming to be and passing away and focus on that which abides.

This is a time of major growth and and rectification and as a rule rectification must come before progress. The field must be tilled before the seed is planted, the garden is weeded before the flower blooms and the self must know stillness before ir can discover its true song.

No matter what area of your life is in disarray, stop and consider. You will recognise the outer enemy as but a reflection of what you have not, until now, been able or willing to recognise as coming from within.
Above all do not give yourself airs. Breaking the momentum of past habits is the challenge here, in the life of the Spirit, you are always at the beginning.

Runes

Some of you will know that Liz (aka Nurse Connie) is a pagan (edit - no she's not, she's a heathen!) and has made a study of runes and their meanings. B and I were very pleased when she gave us these two beautiful stones that she has crafted along with this explanation of what they mean ..


I need to write you some more stuff about your runes stones.

The stones are carved with a 'bind rune' which means that several runes are joined together to create a particular energy.... in this case the rune is 'thorn' doubled up.

I journied and questioned for a long time before I made the stones..... this rune just seemed to keep coming into my mind.

It is commonly said to represent 'a giant' - or the archetypal giant, Thor. Thor is an ancient thunder god. His mother is Erd, or 'the earth' and he represents the raw power of nature. The symbol that is most connected with Thor is the hammer, with which he strikes thunder out of the clouds, and kills unruly giants. Striking Thor's hammer on the ground is said to create an instant sacred and safe space, as though power explodes out in a ripple and cleanses the space.

Thor is a simple and earthy power among the gods. Where Odin was more connected with the warriors and aristoractic class, Thor was the god of the peasants and there is a very prevelent tradition that if he is called he always comes, and comes immediately. Waving his great hammer and ready to flatten anything unwanted! Thor may be a bit simple but he is completly reliable and straightforward.

The rune thorn is often used as a powerful and active form of protection - repelling anything hostile with the power of a decending hammer. It is used to turn back curses and to summon instant help and support. It is also connected with the breaking down of barriers, with moments of breakthrough and revelation that burst like lightening.

And so I hope you can see what I was calling for you both, when I carved, coloured and sang these rune stones.

• protection,
• breakthrough,
• safety,
• a champion who can be called instantly and will not fail!
  

I made both stones together, working a little on one, and then on the other. And I sang them together. So they are really strongly linked as you and Brigid are linked. I would wish them to work as a channel for all the love and support I want to be able to give you both. If you have a moment when you really need to call on that raw strength you might just hold the stone tightly in your hand/s. That is all you need to do.

I find this very moving and appreciate the meditation, time and thought that Liz has poured onto B and me in making these runes for us.

We've looked at runes together many times, us three, and the set B and I actually use were given to us, by Liz several years ago. We have often used them as a focus for discussing whatever issues or problems we are facing at different times in our lives.

When I was given my cancer diagnosis it was natural for me to take up the bag of runes and simply asking "what is this about" I pulled (or drew) a rune from the bag.. What follows is Liz's interpretation of the rune I drew...

• The rune that you drew from your own rune set was Mannaz, or Man ......It represents the self, the person standing in their own strength. It has all the connotations of personal integrity and growth, and it calls on ideas of individual responsiblity and courage. I think you read this experience of coping with cancer in this light - as a trial that is calling out very deep and profound spiritual qualities in you.. The rune is related to those very ideas.

I'll start a new post to write more on this rune for myself

What Cancer Cannot Do

Cancer is so limited -

• It cannot cripple love,
• It cannot shatter hope,
• It cannot corrode faith,
• It cannot destroy peace,
• It cannot kill friendship,
• It cannot suppress memories,
• It cannot silence courage,
• It cannot invade the soul,
• It cannot steal eternal life,
• It cannot conquer the Spirit.

This was sent to me by Sarah Lawton, someone I used to teach and who is now part of the Stoke-posse at Lancaster Uni .. I have to say this is one of the messages which has brought a tear to my eye .. I totally agree with the sentiments. Thank-you, Sarah... xxxxx

It also struck me, reading emails from other ex-students that they all seem to think I am very strong and unbeatable! Ha Ha -- lets hope they are all right, then!
xx

Derek Walcott peom

Steve C sent me this poem ..
I like it and find the idea of "getting to know myself" again a relevent one at this time in my life, even though I'm not in an "after love" situation ..

Love After Love

The time will come

when, with elation

you will greet yourself arriving

at your own door, in your own mirror

and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.

Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart

to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored for another,

who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,

peel your own image from the mirror.

Sit. Feast on your life.

Derek Walcott

yogananda

Yipee - our first set of lessons from the Self-Realisation Fellowship (SRF) just arrived. We are going to be able to continue our spiritual journey under Paramahansa Yogananda's guidance. Most of you probably don't know much about this (I've put a link to the SRF at the side) but he is a great, inspirational yoga teacher. His books are wonderful and the SRF allows us to subscribe to the lessons that he taught when he was alive, so we can follow his ideas and teachings with a posting once a fortnight.

Meanwhile I've been reading bits from "Where There is Light" which is full of snippets taken from his other books of lectures etc.

Here are a couple of points on friendship - since I've never been so aware of the love of my wonderful friends as I am just now:

• Friendship is the purest form of God's love because it is born of the heart's free choice and is not imposed on us by familial instinct. Ideal friends never part, nothing can sever their fraternal relationship.

• When perfect friendship exists between two hearts or within a group of hearts in a spiritual relationship,such friendship perfects each individual.
  
• The treasure of friendship is your richest possession, because it goes with you beyond this life. All the true friends you have made you will meet again in the home of the Father, for real love is never lost.

an average rock bun

Here are a few more quotations from Alan Bennett’s account of his own experience with bowel cancer.

I only found this chapter completely by chance, I didn’t realise that he had had cancer, even though he is one of my favourite writers. The day after I got my diagnosis I went to town to spend some book tokens, thinking I’ve need a lot to read over the next few weeks (or months as it turns out.) There was this book, and I went to The Lounge for a wholesome beetroot juice drink and found myself alternating between laughing and crying over this marvellous chapter.

The book is called “Untold Stories” (faber and faber 2005). The chapter is called “An Average Rock Bun” because that was the size of his cancer. It was this metaphor that prompted me to as Dr Adeb what size my tumour is. Those of you with an eye for detail might have already noticed that he confirmed the size of mine is more by way of loaf than a bun, though we didn’t establish whether he meant dainty baguette or full-on-sandwich size.

Even though I was only one day into my diagnosis I immediately “agreed” with Bennett as I read the chapter. His thoughts and comments felt as though they were my own, so here are a few of the ones which particularly “chimed in” for me.

page 599 – an exchange with his doctor immediately after his diagnosis.

• 
  “I imagine you’re the sort of person who can cope,” he says. I imagine that, too, though it remains to be seen.

My doctor said she thought I was “sensible” minutes after she told me she’d seen a tumour in my insides. Maybe she’s right.

page 601

• .. in some ways the diagnosis of a life-threatening disease is easier for the patient to bear than his or her loved ones, who have to stand by and watch it happen. The positive thinking which the conventional wisdom requires of a cancer patient was easier for me (who had at least something to do, even if it was only to undergo surgery). Had I been cast as help or support I would have found it hard to disguise my anxiety. Rupert, on the other hand, seemed never other than cheerful and gave no hint of what he must have been going through, an impeccable performance in a role that is largely unsung, but which must be played out every day in thousands of households, suddenly stricken with mortal illness.

page 602

• I am still surprised, though, at my own good spirits, not that I deserve much credit on that score. People talk about courage as it there were a choice, whereas one shows courage very often because there doesn’t seem to be much alternative.

page 618

• When the expected apotheosis didn’t happen, I kept reminding myself that time was short, and I should behave accordingly, even enjoy myself, though how I wasn’t sure. I had no wish to travel or to see exotic parts of the world; the round-the-world odysseys that AIDS sufferers tended to take were not for me … I’d no desire to do that or anything much outside my usual routine.

I totally agree with this, I am happy in my life, and enjoy myself every day in my steady routines. I’ve often said “I can see exotic places on TV”, I don’t need to go there. I don’t need to be look for new stimulation and excitement in my life because what I have is already a very full basket of luxury and privilege. Above all, the lovely people in my life, the range of comforts I have and my faith in God are proof of my enormous blessings.

inspiration

Despite saying I don't need to go to exotic places - the West of Scotland is one place that I DO love to go to.. the openess, the scale and the grandeur of it enchant me.

I love being there and can recapture the peace and joy of itby closing my eyes and remembering the various times we've spent in and around the Highlands and Islands.

B4 we knew that I'd got cancer B and I agreed that this Easter we'd be back up there. God-willing I hope to keep to that plan and see this fabulous view again. This shot was taken on the edge of the road leading up to Rannoch Moor as you drive North from Loch Lomond onthe A82 ... .. cant remember the names of anything, but can remeber being awestruck by the clarity of the colour and refelection in the water.

ps if you click on the pic you can see a slightly bigger version .. which is probably true for allthe pics in the other blog too!

quotations ppl have sent me

Azrini sent me this one, it is from Gandhi:

• 'The moment the slave resolves that he will no longer be a slave, his fetters fall. He frees himself and shows the way to others. Freedom and slavery are mental states'.
  
  

New Blog

I'm branching out a bit into this SECOND blog for the more spiritual, religious angles and some inspirational stuff about being a survivor.

People who want to add inspirational quotations and spiritual thoughts can leave them here, and it will leave suzeworld for the more general stuff...

The blog title - Take Heart is lifted from Alan Bennett since it is how he closes his chapter about his own experience of bowel cancer ...

he writes:

• .. more than anything I have written or otherwise achieved in my life, against all sense and logic I feel pride in having come through, or come this far. Unlike so many others, much worse afflicted, I did not even have to fight. Yet I am thereby enrolled as a member, I hope a long term member, of an exclusive aristocracy of those who have survived cancer.
• Thankfully it is a growing aristocracy,and one day, I'm sure, such survival will seem commonplace and hardlyworth mentioning. Meanwhile I am one of the many who are here when they did not expect to be here.
• Take heart.

I hope to join him in that commonplace-aristocracy.